For almost as long as I can remember I've wanted to create stories. Books. Films. Photos. That's what its all about. I have boxes upon boxes of notepads with the beginnings of worlds and adventures. Some further along than others admittedly but all without an ending. More often than not I'm distracted and forgetful and always with a ready excuse.
Pair that up with a "day" job and you have the ultimate goal squisher.
Most days I'm a shop girl whose In denial about being a shop girl. Determined that I will achieve more than the mundane, still trying to believe that I have plenty of time.
Its the days in between that scare me the most. The days where I get up, get ready for work and do the same old shifts; serve the same customers; fill the same shalves and make the same complaints. All without a second or first thought of stories. Its in those days that I feel like I've given up.
I'm a hard worker and I'm good at my job. There is no question of that, I could progress to whatever The Coop dare offer me. Its a good, respectable and stable job, with an amazing team, its also incredibly comfortable. Its tempting and it would be almost too easy.
Everytime I think of those days I'm reminded of my panic of the question "so what you going to do?"
Crumpled up and weeping, while the person I love most in the world tells me that he didnt mean to upset me. His crime? He asked what my plan was. Filled with shame and self hatred and anger, I felt broken.
As horrible as it was, it needed to happen. I'm big on sharing what goes no in your head but I'm horrendous it. If I truely feel bad I'm silent and mentally beat myself up. For months (years) it had been the very question I had been obsessing and stressing over to the point of avoidance. By that I mean I buried that shit deep. It terrified me and I felt alone. But it doesn't scare me half as much as the days I forget I'm not a shop girl.
I unfortunately need a "day" job to survive and working till eleven at night doesn't leave much time for creativity.
It certainly is a motivation killer and it makes you think about how easy it would be to give up.
There is no such thing as balance, when it comes to a job and making a career.
But if your lucky a reality check will come a long and help you priorities.
I'm no expert, but if I was ever going to follow my own advice it would be this:
Find your reality check
Whether it is a person; a photograph taped to your mirror or you telling yourself everyday what it is you want. Have that something to remind you of all the work you've done and to motive you to carry on.
Be confident in what you want to do.
Tell everybody, not only will this solidify your motivation and make you work for it, it might get you noticed by the right people and help build your clientele.
Keep struggling
As cheesy as it is, don't give up trying to the achieve the dream. Dreams may change and developed and you may find yourself discovering you want to do something slightly different, it doesn't matter. Go after it.
Practice being creative
Being creative is a skill and you need to work on it as often as possible. its not always easy to find the time, but if it's what you love and what you want to do.you'll make the time. Draw, write, film. do what you have to do.
